I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
