The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
