I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
