I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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