Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
