I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
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