He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
