True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
