He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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