definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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