he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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