If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
