Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
