I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
