You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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