I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
