Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Lo siento on account of my penis...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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