i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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