Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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