I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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