I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
