she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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