Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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