Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
