I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
