Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
