Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
