2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
