What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
