i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
