He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Randomize
