i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
