just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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