I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
