There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
