So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
