I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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