I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
