Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
