the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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