When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
