I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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