the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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