If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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