If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
