How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
