so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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