Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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