Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
