How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
