I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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