so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
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that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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