why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
