does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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