either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
