I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
