My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
