are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
