I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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