Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
