Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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