this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
