It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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