You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
